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Itapos;s amazing. I�had no problems writing why I�want to be at emory. It just...fits. I�have al of these quirky and reasonable reasons and in the end I know that I�would be happy there. Yet, MIT�and Notre Dame ask me why them and...I�have no clue. Fuck, I�donapos;t want to go to either unless I�got a full ride. Luckily both of their agreements are nonbinding which leaves me with...EMORY...and UPenn, which is still great and prob way out of my league, but fuck, if Emory were a person weapos;d be friends. God�I�find out about Questbridge in 95.5 hours. I�need it sooo badly. I�feel like the next stage of my college applications canapos;t go on until I know. Fuck, Iapos;ve waited for what...a month? I�can wait for 4 days. Friday though Iapos;ll watch Frankenstein and The Duchess with Ryan and Co. So when I�get home Iapos;ll be all over my e-mail. At least I�wonapos;t have that awkward omg, why didnapos;t they send it within 15 minutes sort of panick attack. I�need to get my mind off of it

I�write essays essays essays and Iapos;m still unsure of my life. Gahhh I�just want to be done

Good news, Meeks said I could drop physics at semester and colleges wouldnapos;t totally eat me alive :) I love K. Parker, but itapos;s sooo fucking hard. I want to be an aide for Shirazi...or is Radha a guidance aide then?

My heart takes hit and then�my heart hits back and each day i find comfort in the fact
I�listen to my friends when they say man just relax cuz itapos;s all a game
I found theyapos;re right�and now i see Iapos;m gonna have my fun and what will be will be�
now Iapos;m walking up the street whistling this
everythings in place b/c i canapos;t miss
I�smile at my girls and blow them a kiss

Luckily thereapos;s karma.

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I think Iapos;m clinically depressed. �Well, on my lovely drive home. �I�decided that every song on the radio annoyed me; I�shut off the radio.� In silence, I�drove and I�stopped, drove and stopped... Drove and stopped. �Disregarding the fact that I�am happy with people, Iapos;m depressed with myself. �I�donapos;t enjoy music as much as I�did, and that is such a major part of me, not anyone else, but ME. �Well, Iapos;m doing everything as I�said I�would: I got a stable job (when I�want it to be), I�successfully transferred, Iapos;m getting pretty good grades, I refrained from being a failure, �I refrained from throwing myself in social situations where I�felt awkwardly misplaced, I�refrained from surrounding myself around people with personalities/morals/values that I�hate, I�did pretty well on practicing what I�preach..� Well, then why am I�not happy with myself? The high road isnapos;t always the happiest road, Iapos;ve realized. �I gave up the careless, fun, unpredictable lifestyle (obviously not the smartest kind of lifestyle)�to study, work, and consequently live a redundant, monotonous life. I�go to school, I�go to work, I�go to Jimmyapos;s, I�go home, repeat x 4.� Iapos;m not saying Iapos;m not happy with Jimmy, or that it is his fault in any way.� I�just donapos;t feel too happy with myself.� Canapos;t have everything, I�guess.��Maybe this is just temporary, maybe itapos;s the hormones.. Well, honestly.. Maybe. I�seemed a lot happier off than I�was being on the pill.. I�had a lot more energy too.��The pill is destructively deteriorating my energy, my happiness, and evidently my health.�


Iapos;ve never had so many cravings, even when I�was off it.� Iapos;ve become an emotional wreck.� My mood changes frequently.� I�am extremely sensitive. I�am lazy.


I�need to make a decision.
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Iapos;ve been amazingly lazy with my blog lately. Well, to be honest, I do tend to spend most of my online time in Facebook these days. And I donapos;t spend quite as much time online as I used to. It feels weird, though it should be expected, but still... Working full time takes a lot of time Did I mention I finally got full time contract at work? Same job, but more hours (ie. A little more money too). Itapos;s quite rare in retail to get a full time contract, so Iapos;m quite pleased. Even though it takes its toll on my online time. =)

Spain was lovely. It was so warm all the time. First we had a few very beautiful sunny days, then a very rainy day (with a thunder storm) and then a few cloudy and windy days, but no more rain. M was all stressed out about not tanning well enough when the weather turned and I felt quite shitty about being stuck in the flat too, but when it wasnapos;t raining, I didnapos;t mind that much. The wind was warm and I loved the sound of the sea. I could see the Mediterranean from my bedroom window, it was amazing. I was close to tears some evenings when I went to sleep with Black Roses in my ears, but I managed to be on a pretty good mood most of the time.

When we got to London I didnapos;t even have time to think of the gigs I was missing. London was as it always is: busy, dirty and beautiful. We walked around a lot and I managed to do a bit of shopping too, but it was such a short visit. Leaving for home didnapos;t feel extremely painful though, apos;cause I know Iapos;ll be back in January (if not earlier =) )

Nothing particularly exciting has happened this week since returning home. Well, unless you count the release of the Rasmusapos; European tour dates. Shit, yeah, it IS exciting I just want some British gigs too It would be so much easier to travel around there. The Swedish gigs overlap with the London trip... Obviously, duh. Iapos;m starting to believe my paranoid personality who says that the guys are actually spying on my plans somehow and planning their gigs so that I canapos;t go. Anyway, Iapos;m planning a little de-tour on the way home from London (via Copenhagen) or maybe a trip to Milan in February... Aaahh, I need gigs

Next week itapos;s all work work work again, but then I have a weekend off. Looking forward to that

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Woke up feeling really tired. But like, why not. I have been having only like 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night for the past few weeks.
no wonder the stupid dark eye circles are getting worse... ):
anyway, Devised Drama.. Iapos;m happy with my group. Really.
Last semester was a really emo setting, i hope this time, weapos;re able to step on a whole different track.
Amanda and I have decided to be backstage crew. So fun
haha, save us the trouble of memorizing scripts anyway.

Ended early so off to FC6 with Amanda. I was really dreading GEM to the point that i actually lost my appetite:/
ILP was okay, rushed off to T1A for GEM. Okay, so it wasnt that bad. Just that Iapos;m surprised that mats and bengs can actually solve mathematical puzzles LIKE OMG seriously

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So, I decided not to go to the get together for (=^_^=) tonight.� The tacky comment just doesnapos;t sit right.� I called and talked to (=^_^=) about it and she agreed that I�shouldnapos;t go.� I was afraid I�would be ruining some huge surprise, but apparently she knew about everyone being there except me.� Saturday a some work peoples are going to go out and celebrate (=^_^=)apos;s b-day in style� Maybe S.�will want to come and we can have a party for both.� I know S. Has plans with her parents, but maybe she can do both.� (=^_^=) also said if anyone comments on my not being there tonight she will say that I�didnapos;t want to be tacky by coming and that I am going out with her Saturday.� I guess I can unfriend the ex-friend from my Myspace now.� My DVR is here.� It took the guys like five minutes to set it up.� I have figured out how to use it mostly.� My biggest question is whether the cable box has to be turned on for it to record.� I did a trial but have not been able to see the results since BC came home and immediately turned on the video game.� I guess I�donapos;t need to record CSI tonight, but I�will anyway.� I might want to watch it later or something.� I have even already set it up to record Bill Maher for me.� MC is excited today.� He got a call back from a job he applied for.� It starts at $27 an hour.� It would mean changes around here and I�hate those, but on the bright side, it might keep him out of the house all the time� Well, I am now waiting for BCapos;s grandma to come get the boy.�

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There are some days where i wish i could thank every man in my life for the things iapos;d rarely admit to. You could say a lot of them have left me with abandonment issues... Without that i donapos;t know if iapos;d be as strong of self as i am today. I have my weaknesses, but i am made up of so much more understanding because of it. I wish i could thank them for guiding me in what to steer clear of and what to hold onto. Even thank them for making some things difficult for me- because it forces me to push through the obstacles when itapos;s important enough.
Most people would rather hate the men iapos;ve known. The unanswered questions. The unexplained absences. The promises and hearts broken. The holding back... Or the never letting go. There are so many things that so many people would keep bitterness over, but i donapos;t. I try my best to take it all as lessons in my life and lessons in love- no matter if it was infatuation or not.

I regret nothing. If i did then i wouldnapos;t be who i am. I wouldnapos;t enjoy life like i do. I wouldnapos;t love how i love. I wouldnapos;t have who i have. I wouldnapos;t see why all of that is important.

I talked to Eric last night about some things i was putting off saying. There are things he needs to understand and sometimes i just need to explain and make sure he sees what happens to me. I shouldnapos;t hide that. Itapos;s more helpful than hurtful and a lot of the time i fail to see it. I think it is safer if i keep my thoughts in my head and keep him thinking iapos;m alright, but then he gets a different perception of us and how i feel.
He was amazing yesterday (though heapos;s typically amazing). I struggle a lot with the term apos;best friendapos; and i struggle a lot with the thought of competing with a best friend that someone already has. I kindapos;ve gave up on the idea all on my own with Eric because he has his friend John. Heapos;s that stereotypical best friend that Eric grew up with. Itapos;s hard to compete with that so i didnapos;t. Yesterday he told me that iapos;m his best friend... And even though i already figure John will always have a lot of that term... It really filled up my whole heart when he told me that. It meant a lot- because who doesnapos;t want to be their significant otherapos;s best friend?
<3
Thereapos;s one thing i love that i canapos;t exactly describe. I think iapos;ve tried to describe it before, but there is almost no feeling as tremendous as the way he laughs with me sometimes. Itapos;s not always.. There are just certain times where itapos;s never been so genuine. They are some of my favorite moments. I bring it up because of the past day. It just makes for such a great feeling and i wish i could pinpoint or hold onto it better.
Heapos;s exactly where i want my life to go. Itapos;s impossible for me to not see that.

I figure thatapos;s all for tonightapos;s entry. I donapos;t want to spoil the good with menial crap that i can write tomorrow :p
Later kiddies- be well

I love you, Eric :o

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Thatapos;s right folks....


I bought a laptop. You may bow.

Other than that I might get a job at Best Buy. I have to call them this afternoon.

Iapos;ve e-mailed the Alamo Drafthouse to ask them questions about how they got started with their theater.

I have contact info for a movie dealer. I have to write him this week.

Iapos;m going to write to ShoWest again and see whatapos;s up.

Thatapos;s right guys Iapos;m building my network. My 5 year plan has been put in place. Phase 1 is officially in action.
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Yay for finally being able to breathe through my nose and not needing to sleep 10 hours a night. (Which is problematic when the time between getting up to go to work and getting home is ~13 hours, which leaves 1 for dinner and anything else I might ever want to do.)

ObFannishContent:

Browns beat the Giants, baby (what, NFL football is totally a fandom)

okay, okay:

I just realized a common thread of most of the fandoms Iapos;ve been in: main-character triumvirates with a similar set of dynamics. Including OTPs. Though they donapos;t all fit, thereapos;s some commonalities. Apparently I have a bit of a running thing for apos;em.

My first fandoms were Doctor Who and Star Trek (TOS) as a little kid. (I mean little -- age 6 and on) Somewhere around age 9-10, I picked up a copy of The Best of the Best of Trek which was an essay collection. Including one on fanzines and slash, which is where *I* learned about the concept. My reaction, at such a tender age -- "WTF Kirk/Spock? Kirk/Enterprise, though I can see Spock/McCoy, and they might let Kirk join if bored." Yeah, that would be the dynamic -- hero, intellectual sidekick, and snarky-and-empathetic sidekick, with a pairing between the intellectual and the snark. Which also might explain some of why none of the later Treks pinged my fannish love, even if I enjoyed some of them.

Fits HP in both generations -- James Remus/Sirius, Harry Ron/Hermione to a T. Doesnapos;t quite fit Phoenix Wright, though itapos;s close -- but Larry isnapos;t the hero, heapos;s the comic relief. Completely doesnapos;t fit Doctor Who, but Who never fits anything because the format is so different.

(This observation brought to you by me replaying case 3-3 and hitting Phoenixapos;s "Dagnabit, Iapos;m a lawyer, not a botanist" line. <3 McCoy, you were always wonderful.)

Also, the weekly rounds of people (in discussion and/or FandomSecrets) realizing that Sarah Jane Adventures has cross-generation lesbian subtext is amusing. Because there is something so gorgeously subversive about a show with a 60+ year old female action hero who has subtext with multiple teenage girls.

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Some ideas sound common sense to me, others make little sense at all and yet I see thousands of people espousing them.

Anyone got a good book that covers merits and flaws of various economic systems? Ideally one that covers both the idea of "tax the wealthy less and theyapos;ll reinvest and create more jobs" and "give the poor more money and theyapos;ll buy more stuff creating more jobs" fairly impartially (as in, it gives a significant and critical look at both, covering flaws of each and preferably espousing neither as the obvious victor).

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