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There are some days where i wish i could thank every man in my life for the things iapos;d rarely admit to. You could say a lot of them have left me with abandonment issues... Without that i donapos;t know if iapos;d be as strong of self as i am today. I have my weaknesses, but i am made up of so much more understanding because of it. I wish i could thank them for guiding me in what to steer clear of and what to hold onto. Even thank them for making some things difficult for me- because it forces me to push through the obstacles when itapos;s important enough.
Most people would rather hate the men iapos;ve known. The unanswered questions. The unexplained absences. The promises and hearts broken. The holding back... Or the never letting go. There are so many things that so many people would keep bitterness over, but i donapos;t. I try my best to take it all as lessons in my life and lessons in love- no matter if it was infatuation or not.

I regret nothing. If i did then i wouldnapos;t be who i am. I wouldnapos;t enjoy life like i do. I wouldnapos;t love how i love. I wouldnapos;t have who i have. I wouldnapos;t see why all of that is important.

I talked to Eric last night about some things i was putting off saying. There are things he needs to understand and sometimes i just need to explain and make sure he sees what happens to me. I shouldnapos;t hide that. Itapos;s more helpful than hurtful and a lot of the time i fail to see it. I think it is safer if i keep my thoughts in my head and keep him thinking iapos;m alright, but then he gets a different perception of us and how i feel.
He was amazing yesterday (though heapos;s typically amazing). I struggle a lot with the term apos;best friendapos; and i struggle a lot with the thought of competing with a best friend that someone already has. I kindapos;ve gave up on the idea all on my own with Eric because he has his friend John. Heapos;s that stereotypical best friend that Eric grew up with. Itapos;s hard to compete with that so i didnapos;t. Yesterday he told me that iapos;m his best friend... And even though i already figure John will always have a lot of that term... It really filled up my whole heart when he told me that. It meant a lot- because who doesnapos;t want to be their significant otherapos;s best friend?
<3
Thereapos;s one thing i love that i canapos;t exactly describe. I think iapos;ve tried to describe it before, but there is almost no feeling as tremendous as the way he laughs with me sometimes. Itapos;s not always.. There are just certain times where itapos;s never been so genuine. They are some of my favorite moments. I bring it up because of the past day. It just makes for such a great feeling and i wish i could pinpoint or hold onto it better.
Heapos;s exactly where i want my life to go. Itapos;s impossible for me to not see that.

I figure thatapos;s all for tonightapos;s entry. I donapos;t want to spoil the good with menial crap that i can write tomorrow :p
Later kiddies- be well

I love you, Eric :o

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